Frying, boiling, baking and more - Cooking General

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So, boys and girls, I'm making this thread to see the amazing cooking skills of the Varishangout bruvs.
Post your recipes and the outcome of your recipes, go on and tell us through your recipes why you're some retarded vegan (except wanting to die of hunger or vitamin deficiency, you tell us) or a genocider of cows or whatever.
Oh and, you can also mention what you want to do in the future, it would be nice to hear.

Here's the Romanian apple pie and its evolution.
The actual method is to make very thin pie sheets, but I hate anything crispy, so I made them thicka. So mine look more like caterpillars, even though the actual thing is just caterpillars only that they're rectangular because the thin sheets allow it.

Otherwise the sheets are:
500g of flour, 250ml of water, 8 spoons of oil, 2 spoons of vinegar, 2 half teaspoons of salt, mix 'em a bit, wait for 1 hour or so, mix 'em again a little.

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Cut them into four usually (if you make them thin, I cut them into two) and use your roller to roll 'em up.

While the inside is: 1kg of apples, 200g sugar, two teaspoons of butter, 1 teaspoon of cinnamon and I also added like 100g of nuts instead of something like flour or other thickeners.
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By the way, never use a food processor for nuts, I forgot you can make oil out of them, you're better off crushing them manually (they'll ruin your shit and you then have to wash it with detergents).
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I fucked up rolling the second one, unfortunately, so it has a hole in it and it didn't properly stick to itself either because I added too much filling.
Anyway, here it is.
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Anyway, my future plans are to bake the Lidl Champion bread. I have no recipe, so I'm going to make it a 60% 1/4th intermediary loaf with olive oil.
They probably don't use sugar, maybe some type of syrup. I'm not necessarily sure if they use any additives, but what do I know? They use poppy seeds, sunflower seeds, sesame seeds and flaxseeds.
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So I said I'll bake the bread.
Well, I have too much bread right now and no time anyway, so here's my lunch I just made.

In reality, this recipe would also have some alcohol, but I didn't have any on hand, so I didn't use any. Use good shit, like wine and cognac.
700g of chicken liver
1 onion
5 cloves of garlic
2 spoons of tomato paste or whatever (I used homemade tomato sauce, about 300ml)
salt, pepper, dried basil, and whatever else you think is best.

Slice and dice these niggas:

Wash the livvies and dry 'em up, dem niggas are filthy:

Look at this homemade tomato sauce, it's godlike:

Oil this shit up like your life depended on it:

Fry this shit a bit:

Now add the blood of the gods, it doesn't look that good in the first pic, but eh whatevs, leave it 10 minutes with the cover.

And here it is:

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Boys and girls, it has come time, the prophecy was correct for there were ripples in the material plane for the existence I have brought into it.
I present to you, ladies and gents, the one feared and reviled, the one that goes by many mysterious and tongue-twisting names, the one and only, the Champion Bread.
I was once a master of baking bread on 4chan, and when I found myself without a job there, I translated those skills into real life, to make those that call themselves Breadtube falter in fear and helplessness.

The Breadinator I am going to show us is both beautiful, practical and delicious, but beware, anyone lacking the will to follow through will have themselves be devoured, for the Bread-God is a sticky and stingy fellow.
To cast the first stone, to start the ritual, you will need these materials:

300g of rye flour
700g of white flour
100-200g of flaxseeds, sesame seeds, sunflower seeds and poppy seeds
600g of water or 60% water
3 teaspoons of salt
2 teaspoons of sugar
2 half-teaspoons of dried yeast
4 spoons of olive oil

I usually churn the huwite flour, it's become a habit for everything I do involving it, and I knew it would please The Four-Seed Bread.

Then I add everything in order, rye flour but unchurned because what sense does it make to churn something that is meant to be rough, the yeast, the sugar, the salt and then the water.


And here are the contenders, the seeds, the sacrifices to bring this being into existence. You can even taste the allusion, which is pretty gay.

Dump 'em right in, right next to the olive oil, life's difficult like that.

Anyway, you can't make this unfair so use your big, manly hands to roll and mix the whole mixture, unless you're some lazy fuck, then just use a stand mixer, you inferior construct.
It usually takes about 20-30 minutes to do it by hand, it's quite the sticker this one, or maybe I must have used the wrong quantities somewhere, but oh well.
I use the usual technique, take it from below, put it on top of the rest, push your hand into it not too hard, repeat.

I then put it in the fridge to bake the next day (which was today).
This is the cocoon for our almighty God. What a harmonious thing.

Anyway, I take the first form of He Who Is Baked, and then I beat the shit out of him. I give him a thorough savage beating for quite a while since it's all crusty and cold, and to also properly define the boundaries between us in this weird relationship.
It's to have Him properly grow again.

This is its second form, put inside my heavy teflon pot which has had baking paper put inside, because my oven is fucking garbage.

And the last form, which you have to wait for quite a while to grow, I usually wait about 4 hours or so.

Anyway, Breadthulu here needs a little kiss from the blade, otherwise he'll crack and bloat up improperly. Shank this nigga up however you want, this is how I do it.

I then put it in the oven at max temperature (for a gas oven, it's halfway through) for about 45 minutes.
Note, don't prematurely cut your bread (meaning, let it cool, there's still some moisture inside as well), otherwise the insides will not look that good, and uh, cut in a straight line unlike what I did.

Ok so, it tastes fucking great, it's not really the Champion Bread since I'm sure they actually use a different flour and I've used less bigger seeds than they did, but the texture is pretty much the same and the taste is pretty similar.

And here it is, the bread I promised.
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Nigger balls!
(no-bake cacao pastry.)

Melted butter 100 grams
Oat's 300 millilitre otes.PNG
Diabetes also known as sugar 100 millilitre sugger.PNG
Vanilla-sugar 1 millilitre vanilla sugger.PNG
Cacao powder 50 millilitre cacao.PNG

Salt ½ millilitre

Black strong coffee 12 millilitre coffee.PNG (custom made Shädbase mug optional)

Something to roll them in later like coconut flakes (witch i absolutely hate), sprinkles, just diabetes or my favorite and the proper way to do it pearl sugar. pearl sugar.PNG

Now just mix the dry ingredients in a bowl. kix 1.PNG

Then add butter and coffee and mix it well while the butter is still hot with your weapon of choice. in my case a what apparently is translated to dough-scraper in your stupid language. mix 2.PNG

Now let it cool and firm up in the refrigerator for about 30 minutes. When you can hand roll nice balls :heh: it is ready. (You can see my test ball:heh: in there.) mix 3.PNG

Now roll them in your hand like when you make meat balls :heh: size is up to you I made them about 3 cm diameter then roll them and cover them in your diabetes of choice. Pearl sugar in my case and it left me with 24 Nigger balls :heh:.


Now let them firm again in the refrigerator for at least 1 hour so the sugar properly cling to it.

And then Preferably served with black coffee. If you put milk in your coffee your a pussy.

p.s. This is the easiest thing in the world if I can do it with my cooking skills of -3 so can you. :yukari-salute:

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Kings and QWEENS, I have come once more to present to you...
Romanian croissants, or cornuri, they're soft pastries that you can either fill or not.
You see, there are quite a few jokes I could make about Corn, Khorne, Khornuri, and all that, but eh, it's all overused WH40k garbage, am I right?

So I'll use stale memes instead. :tohru-smug:

Anyway, the recipe is as follows:

1kg of flour, of any kind honestly, just check for the numbers not what the label says they're "meant for".
400ml of high fat milk (3.5% is fine)
150g of vanilla sugar
About 3 eggs or more than your mom has after menopause.
100g high fat butter, melted of course.
About 20g of dried yeast, or 50g of the more chunky, normal yeast
Some vanilla essence or whatever you have there (natural vanilla is best, yes, and costs an arm and a leg)
Some medium heat for about 30 minutes.

We first start with melting the butter, slowly.

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butter (1).jpg

"Oh, I'm relatively okay with this, sorry for screaming."

Now prepare the filling, just dump in shredded apples, sugar and butter, see my other posts about the apple filling recipe. I'm not doing much because I had some from last time in the freezer.
Apple Filling.jpg

Now start the mixture with a "starter". Put in the yeast, some sugar then the milk, make sure the milk is slightly warm, wait about 10-30 minutes until it starts to "grow".
But don't do this shit, just put in more milk if it looks like this (I forgot to make a pic of the better looking "starter").
Mixture (4).jpg

Mixture (5).jpg

Now add in those 3 eggs and the 100g of melted buttery goodness (it shouldn't be hot), and the VANILLUH essence, mix these bitches up.

Look at this magnificent bottle, it's so fucking artistic it takes more space than it should.
Mixture (6).jpg

(Above we see the Catholics invading Japan)
Add in the (I usually churn it, it makes the shit you make slightly softer and gets rid of whatever impurities were remaining) flour.
Mixture (7).jpg

Then the VANILLEAH sugar.

Now go wash your testicle-smelly hands (and also your testicles) and get them dirty in God's name instead.
Mixture (8).jpg

Start easy, no need for any violence just yet, mix it up, get the hang of it, when you see that the flour is no longer being incorporated, use some white magic, use some milk.
Mixture (9).jpg

Add some milk, add it slowly, you might not need all of it, so don't exaggerate or you might have to add more flour, since it might be too hydration for our Khor--, cornuri here.
Mixture (10).jpg

There we go, it's starting to become... Something.
That's fucking ugly.
Well, if you nurture our yellow friend here some more with huwite magic, eventually he'll start looking more... Humane.
Mixture (1).jpg

Now look at this big boi, look at all that gluten! Did you know a lot of people are starting to not be able to process gluten? Weirdly enough, only 2.3%~ of the population had an actual medical issue tied to this, but now people are starting to be unable to eat cereal, that thing that helped us survive until now.
Even weirder is that the gluten-free industry is growing exponentially! Man, it's like something odd is going on in the world, hahaha!
Mixture (2).jpg

Let this nigga rest, he has jogged enough...
(If you did all the steps correctly, it should be about an hour until it starts poppin' some air, but if not, it'll take more than that, a lot of the "bakery steps" are there to make it easy for you, although some are just there to change the "texture" as well, hot milk in the "starter" is for faster yeast growth coupled with the sugar)
Add some flour on whatever surface you're going to work on, while it's no longer sticky, you're going to be playing a bit with it and it needs to not stick to your surfaces.
Procedure (3).jpg

This is actually grown enough, the picture might not make it look like that, but it's an adult now.
Now then...
Procedure (4).jpg

A sacrifice was needed.
Cut it in two, I'd even say that you can cut it in four, but eh, do as you please.

Procedure (5).jpg

>POV: You're a baking good and you approached me in some kind of way.
Procedure (6).jpg

The idea here is to flatten it up in a circle, not too much or otherwise it won't end up soft, it'll be too crusty.
Cut it up in triangles because that's how you'll be able to do this:
Procedure (1).jpg
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The idea is to add some filling in the middle and roll from the base of the triangle towards the top, if that wasn't clear from how the fucking thing looks.
Procedure (2).jpg

Huddle them like you'd huddle the Jews in vacation trains.
Now add them to the show--, ahem, oven.
EndProduct (3).jpg

This is how they look like about 10-15 minutes in.
EndProduct (4).jpg

And this is them 35 minutes in. It's usually best if you leave them for 25-30 minutes in the oven.
This is the rest:
EndProduct (2).jpg

A piece of advice, if you're strung up on time, don't do what I did.
Don't add them on top of each other thinking "yeah, it won't be heavy enough or heated enough for them to get fucked", because that's the opposite of what happened.
It's like my baked version of The Thing, never fucking do this otherwise you'll have a bad time keeping them intact afterwards.

And this, this is what you all came here for, the true end product...

EndProduct (1).jpg

There it is boys, have fun.